fleegar

@shoutplenty

i had this thing i kept thinking about but it felt like i wasn’t allowed to say it, which fucks with me cos it’s living a lie with that person. so i finally /said/ it and got a predictably unhelpful reaction of like “god forbid” and, ofc, dodging acknowledgement or even denial

10/9/2024, 9:11:55 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i think most people would read that and ask well why did it bother you for 10 years

and yeah this is one of them that points to a life lost long ago

if i understand correctly, the expected reaction for both of us is like “oh that was funny, i forgot that happened”

10/9/2024, 9:11:56 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

in cases like this, i cope by thinking things would’ve been less distorted if i’d seen these people more than once per 3 years but

my reflection on school makes me realise nothing would ever have been enuff. i spent that decade of daily interactions just standing there

10/9/2024, 9:11:56 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

my thread on brighton where i put the idea of standing there in a romantic context, in the vein of the stone roses, well

it belies that i spent that decade standing there tryna be myself and feeling like i had shit to offer but nobody really noticed

10/9/2024, 9:11:57 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

and in that context, making the space about the other person is a huge minus. sdll was a big clue for me cos the most successful personality there was the most narcissistic, whereas i was reviewed with, um

“[scatter] assumed none of us would ever be interacting with you again”

10/9/2024, 9:11:58 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

lol i just noticed i was sent that quoted message on my birthday. that’s cute

so yeah inevitably i had to stop standing there waiting for my life to start, and retire myself away from other people. we took a shot at it and failed but that’s alright. life is just an attempt [7/7]

10/9/2024, 9:11:59 PM

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