“friendship” is just when you spend time w/ someone for selfish reasons<br><br>this helps to understand the instability expressed by my letter to 1upsforlife<br><br>obviously, ongoing bullying makes it VERY hard to perform an attractive personality, so it’s also a downward spiral

fleegar

@shoutplenty

about going outside:

often when bad things happen, people want to stay inside for a bit. for me, all the stuff i was put thru in 2022/3 made that feeling permanent. it’s easier to not interact with other people 100% of the time [1/7] https://twitter.com/shoutplenty/status/1799944597302554871

6/24/2024, 2:13:27 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

social abuse makes you realise that attracting people is a full-time performance. it’s not that you can make friends and then be home and dry. even then, you have to keep asserting space to perform a personality, make sure others stay engaged, else you find yourself being

6/24/2024, 2:13:28 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

talked over, ignored and made redundant. if you’re attractive then you can hold down friends despite being an abuser, whereas if you aren’t then people can quickly reframe the concept of friendship with you as being “brotherhood” and akshuuaally

6/24/2024, 2:13:29 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

“friendship” is just when you spend time w/ someone for selfish reasons

this helps to understand the instability expressed by my letter to 1upsforlife

obviously, ongoing bullying makes it VERY hard to perform an attractive personality, so it’s also a downward spiral

6/24/2024, 2:13:30 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i spent my life after year 8 basically managing this, keeping bullying under control and exerting a consistent amount of effort to attract people. it was broadly unsuccessful and i had severe social anxiety (= involuntary performance anxiety) w/ even my closest friends

6/24/2024, 2:13:30 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i was aware they weren’t actually close at all. then lumardy found me and at the same time i was beset by a large group of bullies from the sms community, so i went under the surface of the water i was treading for a long while. then 1ups betraying me after that made me stop swim

6/24/2024, 2:13:31 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i realised (via losing matchup to lu etc) just how insurmountable the waters were. but if you don’t go outside, you don’t have to perform, don’t have to fight. it’s sustainable cos u can be yourself

but the trauma keeps coming at your mind so this too is an unstable state [7/7]

6/24/2024, 2:13:32 PM

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