fleegar

@shoutplenty

i’ve lately had the feeling that i’m being dragged away from the fire by the passage of time. every feeling i have makes less and less sense to outsiders. the pain is erased, etc. etc.

but i think often i care too much about normal ppl’s bullshit and frame things thru it [1/15]

6/10/2024, 12:20:03 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

but it’s rly not worth caring about

in truth, firstly, time doesn’t heal. i can only rly imagine it would if either your abuser leaves, u have some believable prospect for a better life, or if your trauma is some bs u made up

the way this actually works isn’t hard to understand

6/10/2024, 12:20:03 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

it’s been 17 months i think since i took the fatal blow off sdll from luke’s retracted disappearance and moderately-successful attempt to flip the table socially on me in sms. the takeaways from that were (1) he will never go away, (2) he will never be sorry and (3) the risk of

6/10/2024, 12:20:04 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

social abuse recurring was still high if i tried to make friends again

ppl put a lot of suspended disbelief in the concept of therapy here, choosing to not think too hard about what a therapist can do. w/o prospects, u have no goals to be conditioned into working towards

6/10/2024, 12:20:05 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

u can’t deny the reality of the conditions i am subjected to by your decisions, simply by offloading responsibility onto a hypothetical “therapist”. same with getting a job. ppl project their own circumstances onto me and then blame me for not helping myself

6/10/2024, 12:20:05 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the classic “sex isn’t hard to come by” quote comes to mind

and the other side of it is, why *would* time heal? i stopped managing my social risk r.e. luke, stopped paying attention, but that doesn’t mean i forgot. i reasonably assume things are as bad as they could be

6/10/2024, 12:20:06 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

as bad as the evidence so far suggests they are. when i do forget then my dreams remind me. this is how it feels most days https://youtu.be/XX4EpkR-Sp4

when i called it a fatal blow, what i meant was it condensed the flowchart into a single outcome that’s been playing out since

6/10/2024, 12:20:07 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

it’s a linear decline – at some point i ended my speedrunning career, closed out my projects, some point i stopped replying to irl friends, stopped going outside w/ other ppl (since, like, january?)

was maybe a bit too early for that but idk how much stuff i have left to finish

6/10/2024, 12:20:08 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the second major point is that in truth there is no real difference between living and dying in this situation. it’s been hard for me to get away from these americans’ obsessions w/ this point, being called manipulative for talking about suicide

6/10/2024, 12:20:08 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

but like, all talking about it does is trigger their taboo response/fear of god, making them feel concrete guilt for suffering i am enduring *either way*. all this does is incentivise ppl to kill themselves to make sure others actually *feel* it. which i find extremely cringe

6/10/2024, 12:20:09 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

in reality, whether it happens or not is determined by things largely unrelated to the trauma/suffering itself, like your own psychology and coping mechs. i would be unsurprised if i kept living like this for decades. it doesn’t mean “it wasn’t abuse” lol, rather—

6/10/2024, 12:20:10 AM

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