fleegar

@shoutplenty

that they felt it was a privilege and enthusiastically worked to make us proud

i’ve always struggled to escape the communal apathy of most people in these roles, like the common months the current il mods throw of not verifying anything. the “it’s voluntary” excuse and all that

3/26/2024, 4:17:29 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

a long stretch of my life has been marked by unemployment and directing this energy at communal work while getting on ppl’s nerves about them not showing initiative

so it kind of cut deep for me to realise my work made me a role model in this way and my trust was desired

3/26/2024, 4:17:29 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i’d become desensitised to all the stuff i made, but the role i founded was somebody’s achievement to reach

the thing is, it goes the other way too! for what was “derp’s idea” in my mind? it was to realise avidemux was better for retiming and convince me to switch

3/26/2024, 4:17:30 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i’m not fussed that their timestamp-based spreadsheet didn’t pan out (it took me ages to figure that out for the 2023 timing model), nor that sm64 was already kinda doing this. i just felt this kind of initiative and analysis was rare, that i was dealing w/ a rather smart 14y/o

3/26/2024, 4:17:30 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

but the thing i’ll always be proudest of is them standing up for their colleagues while they were being dehumanised by toburr

i have a lot of guilt over this. being a role model to a kid i so respected back, it fell to me to set an example dealing with an issue

3/26/2024, 4:17:31 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

that was rooted in a deep trauma from my childhood. and i’m sure i was not fit to handle it responsibly

something snapped in me as the bullying built up to where i decided to proactively fight back on the issue, to vindicate my own suffering from it, and to defend the il mods

3/26/2024, 4:17:31 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

among my activist decisions to respond to passive aggro with overt aggro and to force apologies by banning people, there was undoubtedly a bias from my own trauma. maybe that’s a good thing. taking a stand against bullying

but i feel guilt–i might’ve made things worse for others

3/26/2024, 4:17:32 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

teenagers fixate on self-reflective identity a lot, lgbt labels and fursonas and cat (real) haha. but it’s worth reminding them that what people will truly remember about them is none of that but rather the sensitivity and character they show

3/26/2024, 4:17:33 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i’ve had a few sms players tell me that my own character shone for them among the crowd, and i wanted to convey that same feeling about derp. i got quite a trip hearing their voice in a recent gd video and it reminded me of the roles we play in mentoring the youngers

3/26/2024, 4:17:33 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i wish i could’ve been better in this sense. if i’d avoided the traps my trauma laid out and continued to stand up to bullying and be respected for doing so. i wanted to inspire everyone this way

but i met my match in lumardy and everything has just been fate since then

3/26/2024, 4:17:34 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

anyway, i wish derp a happy life. i wonder if they might become a meteorologist or cracked at dynamical systems or smth like that [13/13]

3/26/2024, 4:17:35 AM

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