fleegar

@shoutplenty

maybe i shouldn’t have looked back at that stuff. maybe shouldn’t have reread that

how many more times am i gonna find an old friend was flirting with me when i was 12 and i didn’t notice

“no1 i know is tall, dark-haired and smart. that’s my ideal person”

??? [1/6]

3/18/2024, 5:01:51 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

one thing that’s significant about the stories i told about how i provoked being bullied and that story about the pervert in pokemon go/ssbu that i didn’t emphasise is like

watching a replay of your life where you made every mistake that set you up for where you are now

3/18/2024, 5:01:52 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i think especially my mum will have to forgive herself for mishandling raising me, over consequences she had no way to foresee

but when i see how i feel about who i was when i was 12, i realise i’m not capable of forgiving myself. even when it was all out of my control

3/18/2024, 5:01:53 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

in this case, i had no hope with how heavily autism retarded my sexual development and ability to experience emotions, which was blocked up till early 20s

but watching yourself make a cascade of terrible decisions, hating yourself, wondering what you spent all that time doing

3/18/2024, 5:01:54 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

for me being embroiled in conflicts where i am now in sms, i understand they were catalysed by a failure to protect myself from bad people. i could’ve just walked away

the only thing i think i’ll forgive myself for in the end is sdll, cos i know it was completely out of my hands

3/18/2024, 5:01:55 AM

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