and so i’ve bought into my own misery and alienation, and set up the background to my social shroud<br><br>this same pattern repeated 2y ago w/ the sms bingo players<br><br>the only part of the story i truly couldn’t have avoided was sdll, which was caused by unmanaged cluster b reactions

fleegar

@shoutplenty

ok, here we go

i dug thru my trove of year 7/8 videos (unsurprisingly mostly happy slapping and the like lol, but one is funny enough for my childhood youtube channel, soon come)

one thing that stood out is at the start of one video, i whipped out my phone to film some [1/10] https://twitter.com/shoutplenty/status/1768523969542393988

3/18/2024, 12:55:12 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

funny interaction, and p quickly a girl yelled at me

“FILIP! LOOK HOW GAY YOU ARE!!”

ppl would sometimes be pissed about being recorded (like w/ any prank youtuber) but a trope that went around a lot was i shouldn’t be filming boys in particular cos that meant i was gay

3/18/2024, 12:55:13 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i was just filming the buffoons (i support buffoonery) and ofc all children are homophobic, that’s just a baseline fact

what i noticed tho is that altho people often objected to what i was doing, i was unafraid to stick to my guns. i’d explain myself and be on my way

3/18/2024, 12:55:14 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

there’s something to respect about being based (self-assured) like that, but it tends to rile people up bc they tend to be looking to coerce others and so hate being defied

regardless, tho, they were giving me cues on things i should do to be accepted

3/18/2024, 12:55:14 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

“stop filming boys”. i look back at how i behaved in these vids and see patterns that caused bullying, like say that i used to americanise my accent in a v annoying nasal way (well into age 23, see my distsys streams) – w/o spotting how i was being bullied for it

3/18/2024, 12:55:15 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

having to cope and make every decision by myself on social conflicts, i became so self-reliant that it became hard for me to react to these cues

one thing is the awareness i have now

another is the ability to change, which i don’t have

3/18/2024, 12:55:16 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

compromising on being based, bowing to coercion, more generally being untrue to myself, are things i’d like to try but am not able

the case i quoted of being vexed by idleness is an example of an *unjustified* pattern that i’ve struggled to kill

both are my calcified traits

3/18/2024, 12:55:16 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

anyway, my point is a lot of bullying is caused by the victim’s behaviour, in the same way that a lot of sexual assault is caused by women being out alone at night

i’ve been surrounded by bullies, coercers, just nasty people my whole life, yet have failed to adapt to this

3/18/2024, 12:55:17 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

and so i’ve bought into my own misery and alienation, and set up the background to my social shroud

this same pattern repeated 2y ago w/ the sms bingo players

the only part of the story i truly couldn’t have avoided was sdll, which was caused by unmanaged cluster b reactions

3/18/2024, 12:55:18 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the core tenet underpinning my handling of both was being emotionally *done* w/ being bullied and socially abused given my bkgd. i’ve admitted it’s a trauma and a cause i’m willing to die for

but this thread reflects on how i get into these situations in the first place [10/10]

3/18/2024, 12:55:18 AM

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