fleegar

@shoutplenty

one thing i tend to downplay in my analyses of why i can’t get out of the hole is the impact of disability

i feel like if i weren’t so tightly bound to the toilet cos of ocd, requiring high-maintenance conditions, taking hours at a time, then i could maybe just disappear [1/9]

1/27/2024, 7:20:59 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

relocate to norway and become a vagrant

even then unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to escape the emotional pain. grieving can only happen if things change but there’s no practical path to that even in different surroundings. you’re still the same person 🧍

1/27/2024, 7:21:00 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

it’s kinda sad how much your life is determined by fixed patterns of thought

ppl can question how bad i’ve made things for myself now but my reaction is based on the 14 years of my life where i was really trying to make things work and break up those thought patterns

1/27/2024, 7:21:01 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

but that’s 14 years of encountering the same brick walls and experiencing the same rejection and alienation, and nobody helped

ppl kinda get it now, like, clearly living next to this building site is life-ruining… smth i was earnestly + incessantly asking my dad to help me with

1/27/2024, 7:21:01 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

he gets it now, but his solution is “oh you have to help your mum to move out” despite owning multiple properties

clearly sdll was life-ruining too but their own solution was, “oh you have to leave and start again elsewhere”

that’s where this get-a-job mentality comes from too

1/27/2024, 7:21:02 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

they’re basically saying it’s up to me to keep pushing out of the hole despite having no plan for how to take on the old brick walls and achieve different results

isn’t it more likely that change is something i’m not capable of? 14 years

1/27/2024, 7:21:03 AM

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