he gets it now, but his solution is “oh you have to help your mum to move out” despite owning multiple properties<br><br>clearly sdll was life-ruining too but their own solution was, “oh you have to leave and start again elsewhere”<br><br>that’s where this get-a-job mentality comes from too

fleegar

@shoutplenty

one thing i tend to downplay in my analyses of why i can’t get out of the hole is the impact of disability

i feel like if i weren’t so tightly bound to the toilet cos of ocd, requiring high-maintenance conditions, taking hours at a time, then i could maybe just disappear [1/9]

1/27/2024, 7:20:59 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

relocate to norway and become a vagrant

even then unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do to escape the emotional pain. grieving can only happen if things change but there’s no practical path to that even in different surroundings. you’re still the same person 🧍

1/27/2024, 7:21:00 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

it’s kinda sad how much your life is determined by fixed patterns of thought

ppl can question how bad i’ve made things for myself now but my reaction is based on the 14 years of my life where i was really trying to make things work and break up those thought patterns

1/27/2024, 7:21:01 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

but that’s 14 years of encountering the same brick walls and experiencing the same rejection and alienation, and nobody helped

ppl kinda get it now, like, clearly living next to this building site is life-ruining… smth i was earnestly + incessantly asking my dad to help me with

1/27/2024, 7:21:01 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

he gets it now, but his solution is “oh you have to help your mum to move out” despite owning multiple properties

clearly sdll was life-ruining too but their own solution was, “oh you have to leave and start again elsewhere”

that’s where this get-a-job mentality comes from too

1/27/2024, 7:21:02 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

they’re basically saying it’s up to me to keep pushing out of the hole despite having no plan for how to take on the old brick walls and achieve different results

isn’t it more likely that change is something i’m not capable of? 14 years

1/27/2024, 7:21:03 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

it doesn’t sit well with any1 that i basically committed to self-destruction, softly in sept 2021 and hard in aug 2022

it’s defo not been fun for any1 dragging that out ever since then. people commit to doubling down and my trauma challenges that and causes tension

1/27/2024, 7:21:04 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i think it’s wise to realise, by the same token that you can’t change the past and are being asked to make smth of a future that lacks a past,

the phases of life you experience + enjoy are arbitrary and there’s no real loss or pity to not having a future either

1/27/2024, 7:21:04 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

life just is

every comparison, feeling of pride, loss, jealousy, indignation, competition. all of it is just ego

but it’d be an effort i’m too tired to make, wrenching that ego out of my childhood and attachment to intimacy. a place i can never go back to [9/9]

1/27/2024, 7:21:05 AM

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