fleegar

@shoutplenty

reviewing the stuff i published set me off emotionally more than had happened since september, so i have a much clearer idea now of what hurts, what’s important, what’s distractions

so i’m gonna be thinking more in terms of my irl pain again, so less bothered about stuff [1/5]

1/26/2024, 4:43:41 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

that doesn’t directly relate, notably the sms abuse stuff. i was always aware it doesn’t matter but realise now the reason i cared was that the feelings of progress and imaginary hope were soothing

sorry to those who wanted me to argue shit that’s plain as day in writing anyway

1/26/2024, 4:43:42 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

there’s no way i can be fully open about the stuff i just wrote down in private to process the feelings from today but as a summary:

i realised that the trauma is rooted in childhood intimacy. the role luke plays in that is as a projection of what i didn’t have, combined with

1/26/2024, 4:43:43 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

social abuse to take out each attempt i made to build my way out of the resulting void, by showing he can just kill my friendships as he pleases. it’s proven impossible to climb back out, which i’m sure he knew when he held my face in the mud for another year after being exiled

1/26/2024, 4:43:43 PM

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