fleegar

@shoutplenty

a moderate bit of alcohol and a new social crowd of non-egomaniacs always makes me a little optimistic about my future as a person but you always have to remember you are nothing to them and the world has indicated to you your whole life that intimacy isn’t meant for you [1/12]

1/8/2024, 3:38:50 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the trap here for an autist (=me) is that, to a neurotypical person, your personality is less attractive and your relentless honesty is ironically less believable than an egomaniac’s charming performance of emotionality and vulnerability

1/8/2024, 3:38:50 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

yet the lack of attraction results in a hole that sends you right into the trap of the egomaniac’s apparent emotional openness and ability to perform intimacy that turns out to be empty, which is a total culture shock to an autist

and then you get exploited and socially abused

1/8/2024, 3:38:51 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the longer i live thru this, the better i understand what happened. and there’s a lot to confront about the ongoing dynamics with those ppl but i’ll leave it for another day

for now i’ll comment on the clearly healthier ppl i met the other night

1/8/2024, 3:38:52 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i was told once i have a “drama-free social circle” irl, and i think this feature can be clocked from the off in these ppl too, mostly from their disinterest in establishing their own self-worth in other ppl’s faces

1/8/2024, 3:38:53 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

tbh it was also just fun for me to find someone who’s into both dilla and metric spaces lmao, that’s a first. he later pulled out a cdj and put on a garage set so he knows how to win my heart

i first met him 5 years ago when he was a quiet and mysterious 16y/o

1/8/2024, 3:38:53 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

he didn’t remember me ofc but i was curious to see him again cos he’s a close friend of my half-sisters

and this was also a big step forward in my lifelong journey to learn to manipulate people like a neurotypical person would

1/8/2024, 3:38:54 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

basically, my dad, a kind of recovering egomaniac, has been planning trips to ldn to bring me to visit him, and takes adv to visit these family friends. i only met them out of his convenience in hosting events that coincided – not once did it occur to him to actually include me

1/8/2024, 3:38:55 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

so i simply phrased the question differently – “are u picking me up before this event you’re going to or after?”. as i intended, he went “after….. unless?” and there u go. the friend’s dad was obvs entirely welcoming, interested in seeing me, and i got on great with erry1 there

1/8/2024, 3:38:56 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i think the autistic trait here is the respect for other ppl’s decisions on whether to include u or not, and the expectation that they’ll think of u the way u think of them

but after literal years of getting sidelined, u finally recognise a pattern and act out of self-interest

1/8/2024, 3:38:56 AM

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