the archiving is a form of resistance where i confront not being important to anyone by generating self-importance, by building up a shrine of lifetime achievements and documentation. being egotistical is itself a form of protest given my self-effacing social personality

fleegar

@shoutplenty

alright so

i’ve had a bit of lucidity lately that’s helped me realise my motives, purpose and what i will do

there are two big motives rly, and they’re both acts of resistance

the past few weeks, i’ve been thinking about my life less, focused on archiving it up instead [1/10] https://twitter.com/shoutplenty/status/1716997835038621783

11/5/2023, 7:39:15 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

it’s rly frustrating cos my perfectionism is making this take forever. i could sit all day watching tennis while filtering thru papers from years ago, or the tape for my upcoming yt vid

but the whole time, i feel the blunted yet ceaseless agony of my life situation

11/5/2023, 7:39:16 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the archiving is a form of resistance where i confront not being important to anyone by generating self-importance, by building up a shrine of lifetime achievements and documentation. being egotistical is itself a form of protest given my self-effacing social personality

11/5/2023, 7:39:16 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

later, i will again confront my life. the sdll situation has been stable for a month now, and i’ve realised, altho my not moving on is due to an involuntary psychological reaction, i still have options. and i think i have a moral duty to mark the earth with my story

11/5/2023, 7:39:16 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

bc the dynamic and my pain are just not right. i need to explain it as well as i can to show that ppl like me can’t survive in a world that contains ppl like him

and that’s not to condemn him as much as to say social values need to change so his personality type becomes extinct

11/5/2023, 7:39:17 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the last doc was written with a technical voice. the point was to prove the abuse happened, which was needed for some social outcomes

i’ve also written in an emotional voice about this, mostly from desperation over those outcomes

but i don’t have to worry about them anymore

11/5/2023, 7:39:17 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i basically have full control over my fate now, cos stuff like sms unban, clearing my name etc can’t fix anything anymore. so i have a third voice for this – lucidity

my most compelling work (“untitled unmastered” essay) was written like this. it was about trauma from years ago

11/5/2023, 7:39:18 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

there’s no longer a need to prove things, nor any acute distress left. it’s just a story from my life, with ppl as npcs. i won’t hate on them. i won’t have to care if others do, either

but my resistance is to relate their actions to my mental destruction

11/5/2023, 7:39:18 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

it’s a sacred lived experience and i’m a rare breed being able to put it into words at-all well, so it’s my duty

well, not really, but the imperative in standing for the prevention of suffering in future people is rly strong in me

11/5/2023, 7:39:18 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i have this over-developed sense of empathy where i seem to be the only person i know who sees it as a duty to compromise with / help some1 i hurt if ey shows distress. other humans never back down

but there’s no virtue to that; it’s a disability that gets naturally selected out

11/5/2023, 7:39:19 AM

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