fleegar

@shoutplenty

whatever jpep and 1ups are *is* my concept of a close friend; i know nothing better than these ppl whom my family would call fake. but them being able to call them fake comes from a position of privilege in having a better alternative

2/1/2023, 3:01:19 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

ppl have wondered a lot why i cared so much about sdll when they obvs didn't care about me; why i wrote about lu and defended myself against bingo when i could've just left sms; why i took being secrecy-ostracised the 2nd time so badly

it's this same lack of a better alternative

2/1/2023, 3:01:20 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i was always last to be included in my irl friend groups. i can imagine various ppl from my past pulling what lumardy did. me losing friends i actually valued. and not being stuck up for

please stop judging me for treating all these pieces of shit as if they were my real friends

2/1/2023, 3:01:20 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

this brings me to this awful tweet. (i hope i understood correctly that this refers to jpep + 1ups. and is gaslighting me into thinking they left me bc i talk openly about them when that's obvs not what happened)

he's right. this *doesn't* mean i can't have future relationships

2/1/2023, 3:01:21 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i'm a nihilist. the issue isn't if it's possible to have future relationships, it's *what i trade for that*. i have to spend intense durations overcoming the stuff i wrote about (linked), years to be accepted into friendships that unravel in ONE incident

https://twitter.com/shoutplenty/status/1613023102321164288

2/1/2023, 3:01:22 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

so now i get to be selfish and talk about what i want in exchange. tbh, i have maybe 2 irl friends whom i consider close/rly respect as ppl. neither rly shares interests with me, nor am i into them much, nor do i get to see them cos they're busy professionals like erry1 else

2/1/2023, 3:01:22 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i used to pursue ppl as a way to develop my hobbies, or bc i found their personality comfy and wanted to be more like them. but never succeeded in interesting them w/ my own personality. so fell into parasocial dynamics often, built up defences...

2/1/2023, 3:01:23 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

then was ruined by that 1 guy i liked who pursued me and overcame those defences to use me for multiple reasons. being told "ily" in groups and then "oh sry that was directed at erry1 except u"

a vivid example to hammer home that i suffer a lot to get not much out of friendships

2/1/2023, 3:01:24 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

ppl are not liked and picked like things are. relationships happen naturally. all i mean is that what's happened naturally is nowhere near enough and i'm done taking risks on or liking/caring about any1 but myself

i quit ppl, in a sense. it remains to be seen if this is viable

2/1/2023, 3:01:24 AM

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