fleegar

@shoutplenty

but yh there were quitttee a lot of unwritten rules i broke like not guessing ppl'd take it personally when i criticised "120 tuesdays" or some1 was allowed to be flippant about eir own pronouns but i wasnt (i memorably started a convo w/ "what's with the 'he/they' thing?" lmfao)

1/11/2023, 4:00:51 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

within these communities lurked just a few who took this as grounds to be abusive to me. i got bullied, i got used even. some just disliked me and stayed away – the healthier option. but still it's tragic they read such malice in me when i was genuinely just there to be friends

1/11/2023, 4:00:52 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

this is where it all started. without this, i wouldn't've fallen out with a single person and would have a net-positive outlook on life, which is a distant parallel universe now

1/11/2023, 4:00:52 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

on this topic, this has sat v badly w me. it's the ableist equivalent of the "talk to some1 u hate w/o misgendering em" challenge

this is 1 of 2 friends who wrote token defences for my actions, referencing neurodivergence, then later turned out to have blamed me the whole time

1/11/2023, 4:00:53 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i came to realise that i essentially wasn't allowed to say someone had done smth hurtful. bc however i went about it brought the ceiling down, had em pretend i abused em, had me exiled from a larger group. i'd first tried both times to keep that hurt to myself but it overcame me

1/11/2023, 4:00:54 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i've been going about fixing my abusive expressions of pain and even trying to make my innocuous behaviours more palatable to NTs but it doesn't work cos i get exiled over my first mistake each time

genuinely – 1 mistake and several friends will never talk to me again

1/11/2023, 4:00:55 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

and then i consider how did i even attract such judgmental close friends, and what part of me made me worthy of only one chance whereas even chronic liars get let off over and over

and it comes back down to that inhuman-seeming ND personality

1/11/2023, 4:00:56 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

that when ppl see me, they think "oh he's v intelligent so he must mean the harm he does", and that i have strongly losing matchups to most extant personality types, esp. adhd + narcissistic + manipulative

and so i don't come across as worthwhile, don't make loyal friendships

1/11/2023, 4:00:56 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i'm leaving out clarifying detail but this is me tryna outline how i concluded i have a socially unworkable personality and think i'm done having close relationships for good

this is a bunch of shit that absolutely had to have medical intervention 13+ years ago

1/11/2023, 4:00:57 AM

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