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@shoutplenty
so in the past 2 days, i got 2 pbs in sms any% back-to-back, and chained that bit of uplifting energy into watching an sms stream
the first night i hung out for hours and had real open convos, felt like i rly existed and was being listened to for the first time in months
1/7/2023, 3:52:10 AM
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@shoutplenty
the second night the streamer channeled a sulk over a lost run into an attack on my character
both of these moments are fleeting and meaningless, but they provoked such different emotions in me that i realised happiness has become like a kind of crack for me
1/7/2023, 3:52:11 AM
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@shoutplenty
life energy is, for me, the sum of emotions and successes. since i’m not mentally prone to depression for no reason, my changes in disposition all reflected changes in this balance. i tanked a lot of sadness and failure, hedging them over the good things, before the levee broke
1/7/2023, 3:52:12 AM
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@shoutplenty
my emotions now are strong and good at giving highs of happiness or success that cut thru this general malaise. but they ofc never represent a change in this overall balance; they’re always due to some meaningless thing like someone being nice to me
1/7/2023, 3:52:12 AM
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@shoutplenty
however, these highs are kind of delusional. based on no evidence, my brain decides “oh here’s a new goal… maybe you can make your self work…”
it’s really the survival instinct in disguise and i’ve been finding it v hard to combat it w rational analysis of what i want
1/7/2023, 3:52:13 AM
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