this is good, but the reason is bad. the reason is ive dissociated from what they did to me to where i view it all as awful things done to someone else. and there isn’t much more they can do (i think?) so nothing stops me from my preferred coping mechanism of public diary entries

fleegar

@shoutplenty

i cant sleep and then my head is awash thinking about events w these ppl. i wanna write some of these thoughts down, so it’s a gd time to revisit this

as i’d expected, 1ups didn’t reach out. but this is the first time i’m actually establishing that she means what she does [1/8] https://twitter.com/shoutplenty/status/1603485205402116103

12/24/2022, 4:26:07 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the two previous times, i also knew she meant it but i handled it more like a human being – i confronted her, expressed emotions, jumped to conclusions. but rather than explain herself, i’d get defences i wasn’t allowed to hear about, and picked apart for the way i’d handled it

12/24/2022, 4:26:08 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

every possible flaw, every place where i made a prophecy partly self-fulfilling by overeagerly reacting, was exploited to deny what i was perceiving and make it as if id done it to myself instead

rather than just having a positive approach to talking it through like i always did

12/24/2022, 4:26:09 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

jpep leant heavily on insanity defence for her actions but every expression of my own emotions was “wrong”. and this pattern, me being v forbearing w friends until they do smth ridiculous and then the autism comes out (condescending hurtful essays and fuck knows) sends out a msg

12/24/2022, 4:26:10 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

that w/e personality disorder i have renders me unviable as a human. whether it’s my fault or hers changes nothing. she’s now taken ownership of my ostracisation

i drift in and out of hating these people as well as lu and friends but i can’t get the hatred to stick…

12/24/2022, 4:26:11 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

this is good, but the reason is bad. the reason is ive dissociated from what they did to me to where i view it all as awful things done to someone else. and there isn’t much more they can do (i think?) so nothing stops me from my preferred coping mechanism of public diary entries

12/24/2022, 4:26:12 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the dynamics are awful but interesting. so i may as well enjoy exploring them as i accept i’ve basically wound up my life

that said my brain is many steps ahead and i realise i shouldnt get into the interesting thoughts while theres still blind faith out there that i abused 1ups

12/24/2022, 4:26:13 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i shouldn’t have let that fester but going into it was wrong before i established her agency, cos there was a chance she’d agree to keep it betwn us and i had to give it to her. i feel sick knowin that was jpitar’s plan but there was nothin i could do. the mods had to know better

12/24/2022, 4:26:14 AM

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