and forgiveness would entail me acting like nothing had happened, but... even that wouldn't have worked because the actions were actually deliberate, and didn't depend on what i was doing, but rather just had a motive to win the conflict. win territory, win friendships against me

fleegar

@shoutplenty

some days it takes all of my courage just to keep pushing towards the end

i remember saying early on in the sdll conflict that i didn't know how they were going to make it up to me. it was salvageable still, but their actions were getting increasingly harmful and malicious

12/20/2022, 2:24:39 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

and forgiveness would entail me acting like nothing had happened, but... even that wouldn't have worked because the actions were actually deliberate, and didn't depend on what i was doing, but rather just had a motive to win the conflict. win territory, win friendships against me

12/20/2022, 2:24:39 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

there was a sentence from mlarvitar that said that me winning means so many people losing, and that's when i realised this. nobody is here to fix anything, but they see conflict as a game. it's a prisoner's dilemma where if i don't play then i automatically lose

12/20/2022, 2:24:40 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

so for all the mental energy i expend trying to move past hate and putting things in the past, they spend the same trying to drown me. there's an eternal spectre, turning my friendships into forces to make me lose, always there behind my shoulder

12/20/2022, 2:24:40 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

it's so hard to come to terms with someone deliberately doing that, always "why why why" like a panicked child, but it's inescapable.. there's no being made up to cos there's no way out

and i carry all this just cos i cannot let go of a few unfinished projects in my life smh

12/20/2022, 2:24:41 AM

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