fleegar

@shoutplenty

i am rly ill at ease with hating anyone and always end up going back to wanting to talk, whether i hurt someone or ey hurt me. but i also can't stay quiet if i suffer something. i've been coping w/ ostracisation by talking w/o filter and letting go of not being understood

12/2/2022, 2:01:25 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

in the essay, i address some of the recurrent manipulation techniques used against me. e.g., my words are presented as declarations of fact, whereas they're all intended as opinions. i rely on converging to better understandings by talking, but am deliberately deprived of talking

12/2/2022, 2:01:26 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

likewise, the best evidence for my motives is asking me, yet i usually have third parties present fake ones to others. i hope people do ask me if they want to know

12/2/2022, 2:01:26 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

in my dreams and when i'm high, i repeat an old thought spiral from back when trauma from my first ostracisation last year was raw

"surely if i hate conflict so much and others are escalating it, i can just stop. put down my defensiveness, stop what's hurting others, compromise"

12/2/2022, 2:01:27 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

but the sense of hope that gives me evaporates when i realise i'm being deprived of talking to prevent this. the other side is deliberately doing it. and i'm supposed to put up and shut up with ostracisation and losing friends

12/2/2022, 2:01:27 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

it's in my nature to express my pain even if it hurts someone, makes me widely disliked or kills me. my srs conflicts stem from complaints about me talking the wrong way about pain someone inflicted on me

i'll collab to try to do it better but i will talk about it no matter what

12/2/2022, 2:01:28 AM

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