fleegar

@shoutplenty

i can't believe that when i got mad that my "best friend" was hanging out w a supporter of my abuser who'd also treated me like shit, and running away from discussing that w me, their reaction was to just choose him over me

there's no way i'm surviving that suurreely. cos [1/11]

11/29/2022, 12:11:52 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i'd already spent so many hours crying about the hanging out/running away in the first place. i got more physically angry about the two of them than i'd ever been in my life. and then sat on it for monthsss before finally voicing it

i dont buy that me being hurtful in my anger—

11/29/2022, 12:11:53 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

justifies being treated like this. ESPECIALLY when they then made it a public issue i was socially ostracised for--- their friends reported me, backbit me about it and they took the non-intervention approach my abuser'd also used for the exact same reason, to ostracise me out of—

11/29/2022, 12:11:53 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

perceived self-defence. maybe idve kept my crying to myself if they hadnt done that but ive no filter left now. fuck me.

i was writing about, ironically, my "keep talking" mentality on dealing w conflict but this got in my head; think i've barely scratched the pain it'll give me

11/29/2022, 12:11:54 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

getting past a real abuse is hard enough; u rly need your friends to be there. help settle jealousies, hate, paranoia. above all, keep talking and actively care about what's bothering you

and it was the stupidest fkn issue to fall out over. i imagine all it would've taken was—

11/29/2022, 12:11:55 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

telling the supporter that he was shit to me and should apologise and talk to me. i don't think staying friends w/o confronting him is "weak". i think it's selfish. i can't believe someone is going around telling random people my feelings about that are "wrong"

11/29/2022, 12:11:55 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i am not built to hate people and needed to work towards starting to forgive my abuser. but instead i'm now up to 4 people who acted in disturbing ways and heavily traumatised me over this issue, and like

4 ppl is a pattern. it indicates my own viability as a person

11/29/2022, 12:11:56 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

a friend's been convincing me this is due to the onlineness of the ppl and i'm also well aware of the role of mental illness but i still think the evidence says it's typical, not extenuating

and i am pissed for every minute i don't heed it and stay exposed to the pain

11/29/2022, 12:11:56 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

even worse tbh is that i have no idea if i'm missing anything cos silence and anti-communication tactics have been weaponised against me, even before i got angry with this person. they has a whole defence for their actions that i'm not allowed to know about

11/29/2022, 12:11:57 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

about why i'm talking like this... i distanced from everyone out of fear that this will recur. i cope by speaking openly. all is my genuine opinions and feelings. no intent to assert or persuade. if unsure about my motives, ask, even if not taking my reply at face value

11/29/2022, 12:11:58 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i won't ever get close to someone again cos, well, if there were enough of these insane coincidences and "cosmic joke"s (some1 else's words) to turn a whole speedrunning community against me then i'm sure there'd be more

letting them in was a mistake i'll regret forever [11/11]

11/29/2022, 12:11:58 AM

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