fleegar

@shoutplenty

i wish i had someone to tell me how to handle each victimisation that i suffered. i reacted, made mistakes, learned something

but i’ve only ever been given one chance. i messed up and got beset by third parties. cancelled on the scale of a friend group

11/7/2022, 8:23:13 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i dont understand why they didnt just talk to me, instead opted for the cancellation right away. the 1st time, it took me no time to see what i did wrong once i was told. the 2nd was harder but i had to escape from suffering the same abuse to see myself doing it to someone else

11/7/2022, 8:23:13 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

which part of the way i handle being victimised is so bad as to require immediate lynching? why does it negate years of knowing someone and being a proactively supportive friend? me saying something hurtful once?

11/7/2022, 8:23:14 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

ig one reason is i attacked into very insecure and self-defensive egos. another is i’m extremely intense when angry

i’m not gullible enough to think their (2nd+3rd parties) reactions are justified by the latter but like, my personality is proven w pattern to beget such reprisals

11/7/2022, 8:23:14 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

there’s always this tension between picking out the unique things wrong with each person who acted to bully or ostracise me, and pulling out a lowest common denominator in myself as the one who deserves it

11/7/2022, 8:23:15 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the latter is what i’ve been focused on lately bc i need to know who i am before risking getting into relationships

and it defo is possible to draw a conclusion that one is abusive by nature, bc for example,

11/7/2022, 8:23:16 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i judged last summer that he who first ostracised me, by presenting different impressions of our conflict to different people and defending this with lies for 7 months, is v likely to remain like that the rest of his life. npd-like stuff can’t be cured, but can be worked around

11/7/2022, 8:23:16 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

so, will i ever be able to improve my emotionally-abusive reactions to being victimised? and is their one-off occurrence in different relationships enough to merit cancellation dynamics? is what i say to people really that bad?

11/7/2022, 8:23:17 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i wish i had someone to tell me what to say… but even then, would i listen? i felt like i had to convey how i felt and couldn’t and still can’t reconcile expressing my pain and in so doing, causing pain

but i for sure learnt some things and would now do it better

11/7/2022, 8:23:17 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i can’t explain why i feel that need, or why i feel what i feel when i get rly hurt. i can’t say if it’s valid or… i just know that ppl tend to see it as not ok and the things that hurt me as ok

but i know it doesn’t deserve ostracisation. it’s not recurrent, dishonest, illegal

11/7/2022, 8:23:18 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

it’s irrelevant, tho. i think it’s important to conceive of – say ppl maliciously prosecute u for smth u didn’t do. call them w/e names u like, but they are what u have. the people of the world will treat one such as yourself in the way they will, no matter if right or wrong

11/7/2022, 8:23:18 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

their own bs, and my own bad communication/intelligence/autistic/w.e.-i-am bs, form my immutable reality, whence i gotta decide whether i’m able to have successful meaningful relationships, and to avoid the endless bullying and multiple ostracisations i still suffer

11/7/2022, 8:23:19 AM

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