fleegar

@shoutplenty

i have in mind a concept i think may be nameless. ppl often form different conclusions about events/each other from the same evidence. but they usually think the other is wrong and then patience is a virtue. but what if the virtue is actually accepting both narratives are real

9/25/2022, 5:11:58 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

there's no universal truth in human conflict. it's always a deep web of reads and implications. but when i read someone else's conflict, i always afford both sides this concept, this... *space* of accepting that both have real stories behind their actions i shouldn't judge

9/25/2022, 5:11:59 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

but ppl who see themselves as moral usually think it's their job to figure out who's right and then back that side (but to be just, they reason they shld be patient)

worse, they then cast the sides as good+evil, thinking "ultimately" any anti-evil action is for the greater good

9/25/2022, 5:11:59 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

so where does this leave me? there are many reasons i induce negative emotion, whether being abrasively candid, too forward w/ public speech, unable to eat injustice. over time, ppl's patience expires, then narratives about me get established

9/25/2022, 5:12:00 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

once the judgment is made, confirmation bias takes over, and a framework is developed to interpret every action i take as proving a negative point. my reality remains, but it gets washed away. judged untrue, until every conversation about myself feels like being gaslit

9/25/2022, 5:12:00 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

eventually, you reach a point where your story is no longer a human story. no1 can understand it any more, which means there's no way to measure if it's sane. did i lose a social lottery or did i lose my mind? it's both, nuanced, but nobody is listening any more

9/25/2022, 5:12:01 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

where does it leave me? dead, i think. if you can establish a causal pattern, likely to recur, that results in ostracisation like the one i described then i think it's very much contraindicated to keep trying to form close relationships. and good luck going w/o that

9/25/2022, 5:12:01 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i lost a close friend in exactly this way. she betrayed me, then i emotionally abused her (by editorialising on her nature). we both had benign motives – she couldn't stand conflict and i couldn't stand her not knowing what i saw as the truth behind my pain. we split w/ closure

9/25/2022, 5:12:02 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

however, only i had a metanarrative hanging over me, so others saw it as just to decontextualise what i did, invent a malign motive, and use it as evidence that i'm a threat to humanity on a wider scale. a narrative borne from other actions of mine w/ totally unrelated motives

9/25/2022, 5:12:03 AM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the one-off emotional abuse doesn't characterise me, rather it's the obscure way i think (and do as i want done to me), and my disposition to being abused myself (which made it possible to be betrayed in the first place). still, somewhere along the line, i became capable of abuse

9/25/2022, 5:12:03 AM

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