fleegar

@shoutplenty

i mean, it's what it's like to be a kid right? there's always somewhere u wanna be socially, and there's intrigue that keeps u going, like a feeling the grass is greener elsewhere

as i felt lonely, i pulled back from having light friendships w/ many, in favour of a few deep ones

3/30/2022, 9:46:25 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

the main thing is, i always kept my mind occupied thinking about my many friends or new social horizons, and easily got invested in their interests and struggles. i found it hard to keep track of everyone in my head. i was a really good listener

3/30/2022, 9:46:26 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

⏩ to today. i get into convos w people that suggest we'd be gd friends, or explore new strands of existing friendships. but i'm always left thinking, i don't actually care about this person's life. there's no community i want to be part of. the excitement i described is gone

3/30/2022, 9:46:26 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

i enjoy distractions, like jokey hangouts or chats about things i like, but i get bored super easily, particularly when not the centre of attention. i'm just not *interested* in people. it makes me worry if i'm using my friends, but at least they know i feel that way about every1

3/30/2022, 9:46:27 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

there were/will be points in that big drama where things would(ve) go(ne) better if i were more forceful with my friends and objected to them supporting liars + tyrants. but i feel like if i make them choose sides, the moral option shouldn't be someone who doesn't care about them

3/30/2022, 9:46:27 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

which in turn makes me feel i shouldn't give them the choice at all, but i somehow doubt they'd want that either. they at least understand the trauma i went thru and why i'm the way i am now. but it may be for the best still to keep them away from it

3/30/2022, 9:46:27 PM

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fleegar

@shoutplenty

over the past 8 months, i've had to adapt to my new personality and figure out if i can be happy only caring about inanimate stuff, or if i'm gonna be haunted over and over by the escalating sense of loss i have over friendships and intimacy going back into childhood [8/8]

3/30/2022, 9:46:28 PM

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